somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
