My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
