I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
