Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
