News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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