Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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