In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
