Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize