im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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