Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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