Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
