You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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