That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
