my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
