I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
