guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
