I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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