After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
this hospital has no fireball
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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