the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
