Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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