he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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