It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
