I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh god it's open bar.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
