I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
