Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
