You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
