it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
