mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
