my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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