Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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