He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
