4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
