I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
