God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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