Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
