Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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