dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize