Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
