I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
