Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
