Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
