wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
