god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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