I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
