just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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