it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
