The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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