I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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