I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
