I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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