Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
