that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
