She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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