when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize