Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
