why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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