You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
