I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
