Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
