you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
