theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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